Good day newfound denizens of Ford Nation and others. Instead of worrying about things over which I have little control I’ve responsibly chosen to instead stress about matters over which I exercise none whatsoever.
I have a truly bizarre one for you today. It didn’t start out this way but ended up being some odd tale of vacationers visiting an off-planet hotel they didn’t research particularly well before booking. Those are the salient details, I feel more optimistic for the guests than I do the readers. Consider yourself duly warned. Hopefully this is only 1/8 as ludicrously ill-advised as it seems at time of publish. Doubtful. Great title and ending though! Also, like one of those lame “how many triangles do you see here” things your older relatives post on FB, there are a couple extra hidden poems inside. I don’t know why. It just happened.
“Last Resort”, June 6, 2018. (Not intended as an homage to “The Eagles”, just a mediocre double-entendre.)
Welcome all to the bleaker edge of Hell
We’re renovating so I’ll have to yell
I will be you guide, I’ll see you inside
Then onus’s on you to run and hide
Do not too long this good advice ponder
Firstly from the tour you shouldn’t wander
Beasts roam wild in those misty hills yonder
Sun heats the day to 9000 degrees
Stay in at night or you’re certain to freeze
Be cognizant to always watch your back
Our local Flora are prone to attack
It has been now at least a week or two
Since a guest’s been eaten, we’re overdue
Wake up call’s a barrage of flaming bolts
Arrows are expensive, ignorant dolts
Room service requires we give you a room
No chance there, you’ll be sleeping with this broom
Good night myfriends and let not the bugs bite
For real- they’ll have to amputate that shite.
I did warn you… You’ll notice thiss is the bleaker edge of Hell, interestingly the other side are actually quite nice- as long as you don’t visit during Lava Typhoon Season, though rates ARE much lower.
Yes I did mean Flora. I’m picturing giant Venus Fly Traps that can comfortably seat a family of five. A more literal interpretation of tourists being suckers. Often times the pinker ones taste like Starbucks! Don’t even get me started on the snozzberries…
I think I’ve caused enough offense to nature by now and will accordionly bid you adieu. Aaaaaaaaadddddddddiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeuuuuuuuuueeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiidddddddddaaaaaaaa.
Get it? If so, you may want to consider professional help.
One Love!
-Alex Blaikie
Dread Poets Sobriety 
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