Carpe Demon

Good morrow, minnows! Are we all flickering at least semi-successfully against the current? I hope so. Unless the current is electrical and the flickering is shock-related muscle spasms. In which case you should probably see a veterinarian. Marine biologist? Whoever does fish. Not like that.

I’m going to allow the following section to unravel as organically as possible so let’s simply proceed. Going to be difficult enough given I’ve already written half the bloody thing.

Do you recall a special time in history? The birth of democracy, the slaughter of Carthage, philosophy, sodomy, aqueducts, gladiatorial blood sport, cement, but of all that intrigue and incest, we will discuss today, Latin. Perhaps that was already abundantly clear from the title but the buildup was fun. For me, I mean. So, today, we’re to make Latin sexy again! Not like that.

Below is a list of common Latin phrases that have been enjoyably reworked to vastly superior definitions and usage. Like if I ever acquired muscles and saved someone from a fire or something. Sorry, that’s definition, singular, my mistake. Perhaps I can acquire some of that Centurion armour with the muscles already built-in, are they smelting those still? As for the fire, I imagine the armour will be quite warm already but I will definitely help man the hose or something. Not like that.

Uhh right, the list… it’s also become clear to me that not everyone is a massive freak so I’ll put the actual terms and classical (sic, wrong) definitions beneath each segment.

“Quid Pro Ho“- the original tit for tat taking on a more literal meaning. It’s like trading a handjob for a ride home from a concert. This joke is the genesis of this post and has been around for some time, I thought of it in high school and am virtually an old man now. You might even refer to it as the world’s oldest (un)profession(al) Latin pun. But I wouldn’t. [Quid pro quo– “something for something”]

*For the record, I neither condone nor stigmatize any of the preceding or following notions. They were in my brain and now they are in yours. We all make mistakes.

“Post fuck ergo propter fuck“- after sex, therefore because of sex. Maybe they were always going to ghost you, or perhaps your back was forever predestined to be sore, correlation and causation in and beyond the bedroom are perplexing dichotomies indeed. [Post hoc ergo propter hoc- “after it therefore because of it]

“Caveat Temptor”– a suitor perpetually in need of chains or strings attached. Seducer of caveats, ruler of rules, begone! Unless that’s your thing, of course. Different strokes and I don’t want to kink shame, my Roman brothers and sisters. Except about the kids, that was err… unfortunate. Let’s continue glossing over the atrocities, if we may. It’s a near-mandatory prerequisite for all history from BC to BS. And let’s B honest, it’s all the same. We’re doomed to repeat and we learn so very slowly. By the time it’s sorted, annihilation likely beckons, perhaps a caveat of some different kind. Buyer beware indeed. One Earth, not gently used, motivated sellers, nice ocean views. [Caveat Emptor- “let the buyer beware”]

“Memento Whorey”- Life is short, enjoy your sport. Responsibly, of course. And not like how the gambling and alcohol industries mean responsibly, like, actually responsibly, please. [Memento Mori- “remember you must die”]

“Tempest Fuck-it“- Indelibly linked to the prior entry, life is the true buggerer of all things, and the only way to turn the tables is not to care. We’re all here for only as long as we’re here. Time flies so may as well join the mile-high club! Not literally though, everyone knows what you’re doing in there and I understand the penalties these days to be steeper than an emergency descent. Which, ironically, is precisely what was occurring in the restroom. [Tempest Fugit- “time flies”]

“Cogito Ergo Cum”- I think therefore I will be gratified. Unfortunately, this typifies a certain segment of the population’s entitlement. I guess Rome did too though, and when in Rome. Which we are NOW LEAVING, so thank you for visiting, you barbarous heathens and kindly wipe your feet again please, the first pass didn’t take. No, you may not have any more grapes. [Cogito ergo sum- “I think therefore I am”]

And so concludes one of our frankly, more bizarre entries. No poem, buggery, a dead language and even less lively punchlines to match. It’s been a good day.

Thank you so much for visiting, not to mention oiling the chariot. Not like that.

Happy Trails and Waggy Tales!

-Alex Blaikie